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fear v. freedom

This is embarrassing.  Here I go starting a brand new blog and then I fail to post an entry for 2 weeks.  But I have a good story, I promise.

I started out this blog with an entry on freedom.  But about 2 weeks ago I discovered something new about freedom.  Sometimes other people's earthly freedoms try to trump our spiritual freedoms.  And earthly freedoms are a whole lot more tangible than the spiritual ones, so they tend to instill a greater degree of immediate fear into our hearts.

It's sad to me how quickly I become consumed by fear.  Fear of others, fear of the future, fear of the unknown, fear of mistakes, fear of the world itself, even.  It begins to control me.  It restricts me.  It corners me.  It makes me second guess myself.  It contorts me into a permanent position of peering over my shoulder in fearful anticipation.  It causes me to avoid what I love.  It binds me.  It silences me.

Fear is not of God.  Fear is a weapon of the enemy.  There are those who manipulate people through fear.  I used to be one of the manipulated.  Fear paralyzed me.  First it was fear of others.  Then it became fear of my own mind.  But Jesus changed everything.

"For God gave us not a spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." -2 Timothy 1:7

Jesus came to set the captives free.  And boy was I a captive.  I believe that the greater your past captivity, the more aware you are of your present freedom.  The greater your treasure it.  The more closely you guard it.  But we can quickly find ourselves in a trap.  Sometimes we protect our newfound freedom with such vigor that we find ourselves enslaved yet again.  We fear loosing it.

This is where I found myself 2 weeks ago.  I was so determined not to loose my freedom that I feared anything that might jeopardize it.  I instantly forgot that the freedom I have is not earthly and it cannot be stolen from me.  I can not forfeit it through any error in word or deed on the internet, at the workplace, or in my home.

I refuse to let the fear of other people's earthly freedoms consume the freedom that Jesus died for me to have.  My passion cannot be contained.  My story cannot be smothered.  My life is brilliant and it radiates a hope that transcends the darkness that seems to plague the planet.

I've weighed the options.  The time I have not spent blogging, I've spent researching.  Searching for a way around things.  Searching for some sort of an answer to this "problem."  And I got it.  Loud and clear.

I think the world gets one thing right.  We're often told to do what we love.  Well I love people.  And I love writing.  And I love my life.  And I love Jesus.  So I will write about what Jesus does in my life so that He can touch people through me.  And I won't let fear of freedom drown out hope in the process.

liar liar pants on fire.

Last week I had my final exam for Accounting 101, which was a 4 week summer class.  My professor was amazing.  She was welcoming and encouraging and even brought us ice cream sandwiches to the final.  She wanted us to ask questions and help each other so that we would understand the material on a more practical level.  I felt empowered when I left the exam, and the email I received from her the next day was so affirming and encouraging.

So on Monday, I began Accounting 102 and it happens to be taught by a different professor.  I don't go on any of those "rate my professor" sites, because I think it sets you up to be looking for something (good or bad).  You make a judgement before you've even put a face to a name or syllabus.  So I just don't do it.  Boy was I in for a rude awakening.

As I'm sitting here typing, I realize that I could go in so many different directions with this.  I knew that I wanted to talk about how our words have power and my first instinct while writing was to talk about how "this professor needs to realize how powerful her words are."  And it's true.  I mean she shouldn't be yelling at students so that they're afraid to answer questions for fear that their response might be wrong.  I left class yesterday and raced home so that I could cry in the privacy of my own room.  She seems to take pleasure in making students feel unintelligent, worthless, and incapable.  I don't believe that's the kind of learning environment that CCC is trying to create.

But.

I don't think blogging about how she needs to change her teaching style is really going to do me any good.

What IS going to benefit me is to realize the power of MY words.

Last night I was saying:

"Maybe I should drop this class."

"I can't do this."

"I've fooled everyone, I'm actually really stupid."

"Maybe I've taken on too much."

I'm so quick to point out how other people's words have power.  But what about mine?  I began speaking negatively over my situation within 24 hours of encountering a woman who happens to be on a section of my educational journey.  What can I do to change this?  Well, yes, I could drop the class.  But I'm not even going to get into why that simply is not an option in my mind.  So, instead, I change my words.  Right now, I must CHOOSE to say:

"I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength."

"I am a smart and capable young woman."

"I am able to learn and grow."

"I prioritize my responsibilities."

"I maintain balance in my life."

"My future holds great promise."

"My worth is found in being a child of God."

If I speak truth over my life, there will be no place for lies to dwell in circumstances.  My time and energy are precious right now.  Between work, school, physical therapy, and raising a daughter, every minute counts.  So I don't have time for lies.  The lies zap my energy.  But the truth is what fuels me.  So bring on the fuel, baby!

Let Freedom Ring!

I know that this is a few days late, but I wanted to take just a few minutes to talk about freedom because it's been on my heart a lot recently.  Having just celebrated the 4th of July, I am very appreciative of my American heritage and citizenship.  I come from a military family.  My parents, grandparents, aunts, and uncles have all fought for the freedom that I treasure so dearly.  I believe the 4th of July is an opportunity for the nation to acknowledge for a day what I see to be true 365 days a year.  That freedom isn't free and that it's a whole lot more than we assume it to be.  We're always fighting amongst ourselves about what the government should or shouldn't be doing.  Who should be fixing our problems.  Who should be securing our future.  We forget that there are faces.  There are mothers, father, sons, and daughters out there doing the dirty work.  Most of them do so because they believe in something.  They believe that freedom is worth fighting for and, at times, worth dying for.

Wow.

What do YOU believe?

Is it worth dying for?

I believe it is.  True freedom, at least.  But I wouldn't have said that a year ago.  I might have said it, but I wouldn't have believed it.  Maybe your freedom was worth dying for, but my freedom certainly was not.  And I made it a point to live in that belief every day of my life.  What a sad way of thinking.  What a dismal way of living.  I was the definition of the walking dead, for my life was nothing but shadows.

On July 5th, 2012, I was with Mercy Ministries at In His Wakes and experienced true freedom through water baptism.  I publicly accepted the ultimate price that Jesus Christ paid for my eternal freedom.  It still gives me goosebumps.  Jesus died for ME.  He set me free.  He broke the chains of my bondage.  I no longer walk in guilt or shame.  I live every day in victory because Jesus has already won the battle.  This means I can step into the danger zone without fear.  I can be FEARLESS in the face of the unknown.  I once existed in a state of paralyzed fear.  So much so that I couldn't even tell you what I was afraid of exactly.  Now, I walk with confidence.  I stand in bold expectation.  I do not waiver because my God does not waiver.

When Jesus died for me, He called me priceless.  I am highly valued.  To consider myself worthless would be an insult to His name and everything He stands for.  So why can it be so easy to falter?  Why do I sometimes fail to walk in the freedom that he purchased for me in love?  I MUST remember my value.  I MUST remember the price.  I MUST remember my Saving Grace.

I've discovered that it's a choice.  One I must make every day.  It is a conscious decision that I make in my heart and mind to walk in the freedom that cost the ultimate sacrifice.  And if that's not convicting, then I don't know what is.

NEW BLOG!!!

Well, here it is.  I know, I know...you can hardly contain your excitement.  This is my new blog.  I love to write, but I have a hard time making time for it and I figured I could use a fresh start on the whole blog thing.  This is going to be a source of truth and encouragement for myself and my readers.  I will be real (my blogs have always been real), make no mistake about that.  But I will always try to look at things through the eyes of my God and not my own.  I think that makes this different, fresh, and hopefully compelling.  I'm working on a blog description that will include more details of my vision for this blog.  But do know this: this isn't going to be a private blog.  So SHARE!!  The more, the merrier.  We live in community and life is to be shared.  NO ONE is alone.